How can a single mother enjoy a new romance without lying awake
at night worrying about doing emotional damage to her children?
Personal Strengths and Life Coach Sue Tosto of Garfield, New
Jersey provides the answers.
1. How soon after divorce or the death
of a husband is it appropriate to start
dating?
It depends on the individual, but
anyone going through a divorce should wait at least six months to
one year before even considering dating someone new.
Emotions are running high, and a person needs time to heal before
putting herself back on the market. Some newly divorced or
widowed people jump into relationships too early because they’re
afraid of being alone. That’s almost always a mistake.
The first year after a divorce is the time to
re-group and focus on making new friendships. A woman can
reflect on all the things she wanted to do when she was married
but didn't. This is a rough time emotionally, but it helps
to view it as a fresh start. It’s the perfect time to re-develop a
sense of self and decide what one really wants in life. A
woman can consider what she hopes for in a new relationship and
let go of the past in the process.
Dating
after the death of a husband or partner is also not recommended
for at least one full year. Two years is even better. The
grieving process should never be rushed, and the length of time it
takes for the bereaved to move on varies according to the
individual.
Other matters to consider before dating include waiting until
estate matters have been handled, i.e., insurance matters, review
of the will, and the assignment of an executor or executrix if
necessary. The stress a new relationship can cause during
this emotional time is not recommended.
As with
divorce, this is a time to spend with friends. It also helps to
join a support group of others who have lost a loved one.
2. How long should the
mother wait before introducing a new boyfriend to her
children?
She should know him at least six
months to a year. Otherwise, if she decides after dating him
for 4 months that the relationship is going nowhere, the children
will inevitably feel another loss. No child should be put
through that after going through divorce or death of a
parent. Children need time to heal as well. If the new man
doesn’t respect that, he’s probably not great boyfriend
material.
The first three months of a relationship is the honeymoon
period. Everything is fresh and exciting. After around six
months, the couple tends to relax and good behavior wears off. A
woman gets to see what she’s really dealing with. Before she
introduces her new beau to her children, she needs to find out
what his goals are, to see if his values and beliefs are
consistent with hers, and really develop a friendship with
him.
3. What is
the best way to introduce a new boyfriend?
Once a woman decides to start dating, she should explain it to
each of her children in an age-appropriate manner. After she
and a new partner have spent six months to a year together, she
can start telling the children things about him, particularly what
she likes about him or little stories about places they’ve gone
together. This way the children understand that Mom is still Mom,
which is critical, but they’ll also see that she’s happier. They
will slowly make the adjustment that they may soon share her with
somebody else. Inevitably, the children will become curious about
him. They may ask to meet him. I think it is wise to slowly
incorporate the new partner into the family.
4. How should she handle it if the child
resents the new relationship? Should she stop seeing the
boyfriend?
Children will often resent a new
relationship for the simple reason that they now have to share
their mother with someone else. A woman can reassure her children
that even though she is going out, she is coming back home to
them. She should continue do the things with them she always
did. Before she even starts dating, it might help to hire a
babysitter and use the afternoon to go shopping, just to get the
children accustomed to seeing her go out every once in a
while.
Observing the children’s reactions while the
new man is around should provide some clues to other causes of
resentment. A woman should also gently ask her children why
they don’t like her new partner. She should remember, though, that
some children may not know exactly how to express why they dislike
someone. It’s important to tread carefully. A new
relationship is stressful for the whole family.
If the children are really having a hard time with it, family
counseling can get to the root of the problem, especially if all
other avenues have been exhausted. The most important thing a
single parent can do is to treat her children the same way she did
before she met the new partner.
5. Is it ever acceptable to allow the boyfriend to
sleep over, or should the couple book a babysitter and get a
room?
Get a room, unless the kids are at
Dad's for the weekend. Children don't need to see some stranger
coming out of Mom's room in the morning (or their Dad’s,
either). A new relationship is exciting and the partners are
certainly entitled to time alone, but a single parent must handle
it delicately and deliberately. Her (or his) behavior will
instruct the children about man/woman relationships in ways they
will carry around with them for the rest of their lives.
Terry Hernon MacDonald writes frequently about
relationships. Her mission is to help single women to stop
settling for substandard Romeos and to marry men who are truly
worthy of them. Please visit her website at http://www.marrysmart.com
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